Secretary vs 9 to 5

I have a little bit of a crush on Maggie Gyllenhaal.  She’s like Parker Posey, only, you know, she likes to get spanked.  Also, like Parker Posey, she’s funny and has a dark side and she’s my girlfriend. She is all of those things. In Secretary, Maggie has her first lead role, as Lee Holloway, a girl who lives at home with her neurotic parents and has just been released from an institution after attempting suicide.  As a result, Lee’s mom has locked all the cabinets in the kitchen and hidden the sharp objects.  No bother.  Lee has her own sewing kit, complete with blades and pins, and has become addicted to cutting herself as a way of masking her less categorical pains with actual physical pain.  To some of you, this might seem a little extreme, but according to the Lifetime network, cutting is “the new anorexia.” Of course my Maggie is way too sly and fun for Lifetime, so she doesn’t stick with cutting for long. She gets a job as a secretary in a law firm, working for James Spader.  It’s one of those movie law firms with no other employees.  It’s just as well; it turns out Maggie and her new boss need their privacy.  Spader plays the usual Spader character:  a sexual dysfunctional with more neuroses than you could bend over the desk and backhand for half an hour (whoa, what kind of analogy is that?).  He’s a perfectionist; a demanding and demeaning boss who humiliates my Maggie for the slightest typos and slips in phone etiquette.  Soon, he witnesses her secret cutting and decides if punishment is what she wants, then punishment is what she’ll get.  Before you know it, she’s bent over the desk, and he’s working her ass over like Superman playing both sides of a tennis match. She likes it.  A lot.  So much so, that she starts messing up on purpose, to receive even more punishment/love.  She’s what you might call a freak. She’s superfreaking out. She loves her some spanking. Eventually, she’s wearing this weird crossbar yoke thing and carrying papers in her mouth, and she and Spader are actually developing somewhat of a relationship.  Maggie dumps her loser boyfriend (played by Jeremy Davies, as proof that Maggie would probably dump me in real life) and goes for the full-time spank. The odd thing is no one is genuinely humiliated.  They’re both getting exactly what they want with no manipulation or lying or game-playing.  Compared to the masochists in movies like How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days, or It’s a Guy Thing (is there a good movie with the word “guy” in the title?), the Secretary kids seem completely romantic and functional. And by the way, with one single line reading-- “I’m the secretary!”—Maggie Gyllenhaal accomplishes what every supposedly naughty sex movie from the past decade missed:  she’s both funny and sexy.  Damn right she’s the secretary.

Of course, Maggie isn’t the first pain-obsessed personal assistant.  There were, of course, those dominating S&M fiends of 9to5.  In 1980, I’m sure it came off as some sort of equality-in-the-workplace comedy, but have you watched it lately?  Sure you have; 9to5 is on TBS every four hours (alternating with Shawshank Redemption).  In case you haven’t seen it—and by haven’t seen it, I mean, are lying about seeing it over and over—here’s a quick recap:  Lily Tomlin and Dolly Parton work for Dabney Coleman. He’s mean and tells people he’s sleeping with Dolly Parton. Oh, come on, what’s the big deal? Haven’t we all done that from time to time?  Jane Fonda is the new secretary, a recent divorcee working her first job and facing such problems as the biggest copy machine ever and learning the difference between rat poison and non-dairy creamer (there’s little difference, it turns, and they’re kept in the same cabinet. Uh oh!). Eventually, they start getting high together, and fantasizing about some 3 way girl on girl on girl.  I mean, about killing their boss.  They think up elaborate methods, each of which takes on a not-so-subtle sexual tone now that you’ve seen Secretary.  Their fantasies involve role reversal, and find Coleman hogtied and hiding in the bathroom. Of course, soon it all becomes reality, as the ladies discover their inner Spader and go shopping for hardware.  Dolly Parton measuring chain has probably inspired more than a few websites you don’t wanna be caught surfing at work.  Soon, Dabney is in a harness and dog collar, hanging from the ceiling.  Freaky. Actually, 9to5 is still pretty funny, even if some of its politics and stereotypes have grown a little quaint (the corporate boss guy who visits at the end has a handlebar mustache and a string tie). It’s odd that the workplace stuff was probably the place to get all the satire in, but they added the bondage/hostage stuff anyway (the part that’s aged the hardest). No matter; any movie where Lily Tomlin gets high and imagines herself as a murderous Snow White can’t be bad. For fun, imagine her as the law firm owner in Secretary, as sort of a de facto sequel to 9to5. You think work is fun now, Maggie?  Wait’ll you visit the home office.

Secretary:  B+
9 to 5: B-