Basic vs Mortal Thoughts

You know when you think you might puke, but then you sort of heave, and don’t puke, but you’re pretty sure you had puke in your mouth and then swallowed it? If you get a chance, do that instead of watching Basic. Trust me, it’s more pleasant. Basic is bad. I’m pretty sure the next time I watch it, I’ll love it, because it’s that sort of bad, but I’ve only seen it once so far, so until further notice…it sucks.

Basic was directed by John McTiernan, who directed the most awesome bad-ass action movie ever, Die frickin’ Hard, and it stars John Travolta and Samuel L. Jackson, who were in maybe the most awesome bad-ass movie period, Pulp muthafuckin’ Fiction. So Basic is going to rock, right? I said Basic is going to rock! Rawk! Hello? Anyone? Toledo?

It’s not good.

Basic is about an evil drill sergeant, played by Samuel L. Jackson, and the events that occur during a dark hurricane-drenched training excursion.  Jackson’s character was killed, and so were a couple of his trainees, maybe, and the rest of them did it, maybe. Or not.

The recruits are played by Giovani Ribisi, Taye Diggs, that Michael Rappaport type from Thin Red Line, Romeo and Juliet and the video where Alanis dances, a fiery Latina—a performance seemingly based on watching Aliens and Shakira’s Pepsi commercial simultaneously--and some other types that don’t register much. It’s a shame really, since one of the soldiers I’ve not mentioned gets the bulk of the storyline.

He’s one of the survivors and he won’t talk. Connie Neilson and Tim Daly play military cops or whatever (they’re just a tad less authoritative than their counterparts on JAG, if that tells you anything).  When her “bad cop” tactics don’t work, they call in Travolta, a former DEO agent or something who is almost fired or recently fired or whatever for getting a little too into his job, drugwise. Apparently though, he’s a master at interrogation, and if anyone can get this guy to talk, it’s Travolta.

Oh, and a coincidence. Travolta is a former soldier who trained under the Samuel L. Jackson character.

John Travolta, to be sure, is a talented guy, and has moments of cool in his career that are without peer. No thanks to Basic. If Basic had it’s way, Travolta would be in Four Men and a Baby, or maybe one of those made-for-cable sequels to The Substitute. Basic hates John Travolta and won’t rest until you do the same. For example:

1. At one point, John’s character says he was in basic 15 years ago. Feel free to add it up in your head. All done? That’s how old he plays. He does so by being all “cool” and like sitting in chairs backwards and chewing toothpicks and so on. (He doesn’t actually do either of these things, but he plays that sort of guy. When he’s interrogating the suspect, he lies on the table like Burt Reynolds posing for Cosmo.)
2. John’s character wears a towel in one scene. Just a towel.
3. He does this over-the-top laugh to punctuate the moments when his character is proven right. He’s this close to sarcastic clapping and making quotation marks with his fingers.

So the storyline? Uh, how much time do you have? Basic’s storyline wraps up on itself about five different times. Anytime a new suspect or witness is questioned, those rainy scenes replay, with completely new details. It’s not just like it has a different ending each time, or a new aspect is introduced. It’s completely different each time. About half way in, you realize you aren’t being given a mystery to take part in, you’re just being lied to. It could be in any of these stories that we find the truth, or in none. I’m pretty sure they could be played in any order and it won’t matter. The ending, after all the jerking around, is the exact ending you could have guessed. Ever seen the cheesy 1980s slasher flick April Fool’s Day? It has the same ending.

But the acting’s great, right? Well, Travolta seems to be having fun, or at least attempting to impersonate someone having fun, but well, see above for how well it works.  Samuel L. Jackson does what can only be described as the worst Samuel L. Jackson impersonation ever. He shouts all his lines in this mock-sarcastic voice, and is never scary or intimidating. It seems like he’s joking the whole time, so whenever the soldiers talk about what a monster he is, you’re left thinking, “Who? Samuel L. Jackson? No, he’s a nice guy. I saw him on Letterman a couple weeks ago. He’s really cool. He’s just joking.”  Connie Neilson, so forceful and charismatic in Gladiator is um, not those things in Basic. She’s the “bad cop” of the duo (they actually use that term) and like her costars, overstates everything to the point of parody. And she’s saddled with a deep-fried southern accent that bounces across the room on a moments notice. She uses a bigger variety of accents than Robin Williams attending the opening ceremonies of the Olympics.

Basic thinks its gimmick of playing with points-of-view and timelines is enough to sustain a movie. I desperately want to compare it to Pulp Fiction, which performs a similar task so brilliantly, and features classic performances from the leads of Basic. That’s hardly fair though, no matter how satisfying it might ultimately be for me. Instead, I found a movie that parallels Basic’s storyline even closer, but does so in a way that is actually clever, quiet, and watchable. You might think you wouldn’t like Mortal Thoughts, or maybe you’ve seen it and insist you don’t like it, but after watching Basic, I think you’ll be willing to give it another go.

If you’re an insomniac like me, and let’s face it, you probably are (what time is it while you read this? 2 a.m.? 3?), then you’ve no doubt collected a tidy amount of guilty pleasures, not the least of which, if you’re lucky, are some shitty movies you can’t stop watching.  My “favorites” include stuff like Commando, The Bodyguard, and anything with lots of either dancing or kicking. (Ooh, or both. That would rock. Especially around 4 a.m.) There’s no such thing as a cliché in the middle of the night, right?  Recently, I thought I’d found another to add to my list.  What I found instead was myself, wide awake at 5 in the morning, watching the credits roll on Mortal Thoughts.  I saw Mortal Thoughts over a decade ago when it first came out, and liked it. I remember being a little freaked out by how ordinary it was.  The houses and cars are ugly, and the crime committed is abrupt and simple.  No tricky camera angles, no devious switcheroo plots from the killers.  It’s almost like a movie version of one of those reenacted crimes on Unsolved Mysteries or Autopsy.  If that appeals to you, then keep reading.  I seem to recall, however, that Mortal Thoughts didn’t receive the best press in the world, and I don’t think I know anyone who’s seen it.  If so, then they aren’t talking, which isn’t good.  I thought at best, my memories of it being good would turn into new feelings of so-bad-it’s-good… 

Of course, the biggest surprise in Mortal Thoughts is that it doesn’t suck. It’s actually pretty cool, and was probably a few years ahead of its time.  It stars Demi Moore and Glenne Headley as beautician best friends from New Jersey. (Hey, come back here. It doesn’t suck, honest.)  Bruce Willis plays Headley’s husband and he’s a mean dude, which should go without saying.  Just a primer for those of you new to this whole movie watching thing:  If it’s a thriller about two women and one of them is married, then either

a. One friend is a raging slut and will plot to make the husband her own.

b. The husband is abusive and must die. Or…

c.  Sometimes, it’s both.  Have you seen movies like that?  Where the husband is killed, and the wife looks guilty, and she goes to prison or whatever, and then we learn that the husband faked it to be with the mistress? And the mistress—because Hollywood hates women, and, let’s face, it women hate women—also happens to be the wife’s best friend, so of course she’s a vicious backstabbing slut, and she and the husband run off, but then the authorities and the wife find out and the husband dies anyway.  There may or may not be a catfight.  Anyway, in Mortal Thoughts…

He’s abusive, and he dies. Someone killed him with an industrial razor blade matt knife thing.  But which one?  Moore and Headley are obviously conspiring together and they have several scenes where they are so paranoid and suspicious of each other that the movie remains fairly creepy despite the fact the villain has been dead most of the movie.  The Demi Moore character spends much of the movie in the police station, telling her side of the story. As her story unfolds scenes play and replay, and we’re never quite sure which version actually happened, and which is a result of her covering her ass in front of the police.  The movie plays with timelines, beginning and ending in the middle, or the end, or it’s actually the beginning, but…you get the idea. Besides being trippy in terms of structure, Mortal Thoughts features by far the best Demi Moore performance. And yes, I know, that’s probably not saying much, but stick with me here. With less vanity than I’ve ever seen from her (huge hair, un-worked out body, thick Jersey accent) Moore is completely convincing as someone who probably did what she may or may not take the blame for.  A scene where she obsessively cleans a van becomes near-Hitchcockian.  Bruce Willis is good too, and pretty damn scary.  Sure, he’s acting mainly with his facial hair, but that is one talented Vandyke, kids. Mortal Thoughts is probably not anything you’ve considered watching lately, but come on, stay up late once in a while and you just might stumble over it. Don’t get me wrong, it’s melodramatic and silly at times, like with the lame beautician excuses Moore and Headley make as alibis, but come on, what else you got going on in the middle of the night? Besides, the title Mortal Thoughts is completely meaningless; that alone makes it perfect guilty-pleasure viewing.

Of course, a decade later, the set-up of Mortal Thoughts probably seems a little simplistic. The cops don’t really have to do anything but listen, and neither the murder nor the cover-up involves much planning or smarts (which is good, considering the planners).  So it’s interesting to think it might have led to something like Memento or The Usual Suspects, either of which would make a nice ending to a triple feature.  You survived Basic, pacified yourself with Mortal Thoughts, now you deserve a reward. Aside from your money back, it’s the best you can do. 

Basic:  D-
Mortal Thoughts: B