X2 vs Attack Of The Clones

X 2:  X-Men United, besides being cumbersomely titled, is a rare surprise.  It’s a sequel that betters the source movie, has good acting, good writing, plot-driven special effects, and ties into the comic without being cheesy.  Director Bryan Singer has crafted a well-paced movie with living, breathing characters (and that’s not the dig at CGI it sounds like.) If it weren’t for that soda ad, I’d consider sitting X2 down and having a serious talk about taking our relationship forward.  I’m not sure I’m ready to pop the question, but I at least want X2 to consider moving in.

X2 picks up soon after the end of the original, X-Men: No Subtitle.  Magneto is still being kept in his plastic prison, and Wolverine has been up in the woods and snow trying to remember what he forgot. I love that the events of the previous movie are fresh in the minds of the characters.  Hey, if they insist on releasing a different version of the original DVD every three months, the characters better not play dumb the second time around, right?

X2 opens with a thrilling scene in the White House.  Nightcrawler is on a brainwashed mission to attack the president, and teleports throughout the hallways and offices, making his familiar “bamf” sound and leaving smoke chasers everywhere he goes.  It’s one of the more impressive special effects sequences I can recall seeing.  It’s never more or less than it needs to be. Nightcrawler kicks ass throughout the wing, then lands on the president’s desk with a knife, and then…well if you haven’t seen it, I’ll let you find out.  Although, honestly, I should just go ahead and spoil it, since, let’s face it, if you were gonna see it, you would have by now.

There’s a new villain this time, General Stryker, who wants to round up all the mutants for good.  He’s nasty, and played by Bryan Cox, because Bryan Cox is on some sort of probation or something and by law must appear in every movie. He’s really good though, and he’s got a kick-ass sidekick in Kelly Hu as Deathstryke.  She’s basically the Darth Maul of this movie, although unlike in his case, her movie doesn’t fall asleep when she’s off screen.

Storm and Jean Grey go on a search for Nightcrawler, leaving the newly returned Wolverine in charge of the students, when Stryker attacks.  Anybody who thought Wolverine was too PG-13 last time will be pleasantly surprised: he makes short work of most of Stryker’s soldiers, going into one of those screaming berserker rages common to the comic books.  During Stryker’s ambush on the school, we also get to see some of the students in action, including Siryn, Kitty Pryde, and Colossus. The X-Men are scrappier in this episode.  In the last movie, they kept alluding to the fact that they were outcasts and outlaws, but here it seems true. I like that their escape route from the mansion led them basically just into the woods. Outcasts and outlaws should have to suffer once in a while.

Amid all this, there’s a continuing love triangle between Jean, Cyclops and Wolverine, as well as a subplot with Rogue and Iceman. I enjoyed the latter more, basically because I think Anna Paquin is such an interesting actor, and because of Iceman’s funny “coming out” scene with his parents.

X2 satisfied so many of my comic fanboy cravings, but also stands on its own as one hell of a nifty action movie.  I could go on about it forever.  A little of that, though, and I’m getting on my own nerves.  I’ll limit myself to five favorite things about X2: X-Men United.

1. It has to be said: Everyone blue rocks.  Nightcrawler, played by Alan Cumming, is the most significant new addition to the series. Alan Cumming can be kind of hammy, but he’s great here, playing up both Nightcrawler’s whimsical circus performer side, and his tragic I-have-a-tail side. One of the best moments in the movie involves Nightcrawler saving Rogue after she falls from a jet. It’s a quick, tidy effect, and it’s perfect. It’s all wham-bamf-thank you…I can’t finish that, sorry. Even I’m not that cheesy. Moving on. Mystique, played in both movies by Rebecca Romijn Stamos, gets a much better deal this time. Last time, she was the perfect character to be played by a model.  In X2, Mystique is a much more fully-formed character, with Romijn Stamos giving what I think is a great performance. It’s mostly physical and silent, but it’s also extremely specific. It’s not just choreography and stunts, and I don’t think just anyone could play the part. Is Stamos a fantastic actor? I dunno. I think she’s great in X2 though. As for the choreography and stunts, well they’re kind of cool too. When Mystique sneaks into Stryker’s base and pummels his guards, it’s all so slinky and fun, I wasn’t ready for it to end. And Colossus? Well, technically he’s not blue, but it was just so frickin’ cool to see him armor up. I know I’m cheating here: I’m bringing information from the comics with me into the movie theater. That’s the sort of behavior that gets Anne Rice and J.R.R. Tolkien fans in trouble time and again. As an effect though, Colossus (unnamed in the movie) stands on his own. A regular dude becoming a metal dude is cool.
2. Ian McKellen.  Man, I think he’s a good Magneto. He was good last time too, but he’s a little freer this time.  He has a few funny, snarky scenes, such as when he and Mystique have aligned themselves with the X-Men, and he mocks Rogue’s Magneto-induced hair streak. I also like his conversation with bad-guy-you-just-wait-til-the-third-movie, Pyro. I love Magneto’s reply upon learning John’s name. “What’s your real name?” He’s not all one-liners and eye-rolls though. When Magneto finally escapes from his prison, it’s the most impressive act of villainy I’ve seen in a movie this year (or last year, that I recall.) Remember Hannibal Lecter biting that guys face off then spraying him with mace? It’s like that, only Magneto doesn’t need a wetnap afterwards. He rocks.
3. Halle Berry’s Frederick’s of Hollywood wig is gone. Thank you.
4. There’s a subplot involving Famke Jansen’s Jean Grey that intrigues me. I’m not sure how it’s going to pay out in the next movie, and how or if it ties into the comics, but she does something very odd and brave near the end of the movie, and I’m curious what exactly it was, and how far they’ll take it.
5. Wolverine.  Wolverine Wolverine Wolverine. Dude. Wolverine. I don’t even like Wolverine that much in the comics, but here…Dude. Seriously, Wolverine. His fight with Deathstryke is the most violence I think I’ve seen in a PG-13 movie. What do I care though? I’m over 13. Bring it on. And that’s not just my dark side living vicariously through movies, either. Hugh Jackman gives a really great performance. Honest. He just also happens to kick everybody’s ass over and over. It’s a coincidence.

And just so I don’t leave here looking like I’m heading to a convention, I’ll toss out a few criticisms:

1. Cyclops disappears about half way into the movie, and is gone until the end. I didn’t miss him, necessarily, but when he came back, I was a little “oh yeah. Where’s he been?”
2. Wolverine drinks a Dr. Pepper. Wolverine don’t drink Dr. Pepper.

X2 is as much as I could ask for in a sequel.  Sometimes, of course, I don’t get what I asked for at all.  I have tried to like Attack of the Clones.  Honest.  I saw it twice in the theater; the first time I wanted to leave half way through and almost cried because I hated it so much. And then I thought “You don’t hate it, you just don’t love it. It was okay, and that’s fine.”  So I saw it again. The second time, I found some stuff to like, but should I really have to look? Shouldn’t stuff I like just happen? I hate when people act like they’re offended that a movie didn’t live up to their expectations.  It’s not up to George Lucas to cater to me; he should make the movie that best represents the script he’s working with.  He doesn’t have to answer to anyone but himself.  And it’s a good thing too, cause I can barely sit through Attack of the Clones.

Star Wars Episode II:  Attack of the Clones is one of the phoniest movies ever made.  When Planet Hollywood first opened, they used to advertise it in theaters as if it were an upcoming movie. If it had really been a movie, it would have been phonier than Attack of the Clones, but only just barely. Like just a hair more.  A tad.  A Sylvester Stallone more phony, but that’s it.

Let’s break it down for a second, shall we?  I don’t like being negative all the time, so I’ll limit myself to five complaints.  Here goes:

1. No environment feels real.  Not one.  When Obi Wan, Padme and Annakin are tied up in the arena for the alien gladiator scene, not for one second does it appear as if they’re outside.  When Annakin rides his speeder on Tatooine, his hair barely moves, and he keeps this weird pursed lip expression on his face, as if someone were off-camera, telling him “Okay, you’re going fast! Faster! You wanna get there quick!  You’re mad.  Madder!”  When Padme falls off a transport and crashes to the sand, she stands up, spotless.  Compare these scenes to the ones on Jabba’s barges, the tauntaun scenes in Empire, or the trash compactor scene in A New Hope.  Did you believe the characters were where they said they were?  Did they react to their environments?  Did they get wet and dirty? And don’t even get me started on that CGI pear.  That friggin’ pear.  Natalie Portman played Anne Frank on Broadway, for crying out loud. Can’t she at least be trusted to chew her own food? (Hang on a second, I have to go punch a pillow eleven times.)
2. If you were a shape-shifting assassin, and you knew exactly who you were supposed to kill, and what she looked like, and what her colleagues looked like, could you think of a better way to kill her than with poison worms?  If you were a shape-shifting assassin, could you think of a better term for yourself than “Change-a-lum”?
3. Obi Wan Kenobi is one of the most important figures in the Star Wars universe.  Two movies into the prequels, and we still have no back story on the guy.  Ewan McGregor gives by far the most vital and interesting performance in these movies; it’s a shame it’s all in service of the lumbering plot. 
4. There are no sidekicks to relate to the human characters. All the CGI characters:  JarJar, Yoda, the Aliens rip-off guards from the factory, the four-armed diner cook all take up physical space, and have moments with humans, but they’re all so awkwardly staged and performed.  Sure, they can nod their heads and be patted on their CGI backs, but it all results in moments of painfully wooden and overly careful acting.  I hate to keep comparing these movies to the original trilogy, but watch Harrison Ford in his scenes with Chewbacca and C3PO. He has the benefit of another actor hearing his dialogue, and of getting to have a genuine reaction to another character.  If CGI can replace human actors, the people behind Attack of the Clones haven’t cracked the code yet.
5. Admit it:  when you heard they were casting young Darth Vader, is this what you imagined?  Did you think “Younger Russell Crowe,” or “Younger Gary Oldman” or “Younger John Malkovich.”  Or, did you think “Younger Kirk Cameron”?  This, my friends, is the most powerful Jedi of them all.  Right here.  This is him.  I’m sure he’s a nice guy, and it’s not an unwatchable performance, exactly, but you’d have to start with some sort of mutant turbo thespian to handle words (it’s not dialogue, it’s words) like “I don’t like sand.  It’s coarse and rough and irritating, and it gets everywhere.  Not like here.  Here everything’s soft and smooth.”  In that weird accent?  What the hell is that?  What accent requires words like “tormenting” and “forbidden” to be mispronounced?  (Hang on a sec. I have to go scream obscenities at a pillow and then punch it seventeen times.)

There, that’s five.  It could have been twenty five, but unlike some CGI technicians I could name, I show a little restraint from time to time.

And now, because I gotta sleep at night, here’s the good:

1. Ewan McGregor and Samuel L. Jackson know there is fun to be had in these movies, and give cool, easy performances.  McGregor’s Hardy Boys-style trip to the library and subsequent battle with Jango Fett actually has a little fun and spontenaity. And Jackson is a bad-ass with his light saber.  If he had fought Dooku at the end of the movie, it wouldn’t have been a draw.
2. The Clones, despite never really attacking anything per se, are pretty cool. The scenes of them marching tied them to the droid army in Phantom Menace and to the Storm Troopers of the later movies.
3. The John Williams score is very Star Warsy.
4. Jango Fett’s sonic charges are cool.
5. The deleted scenes on the DVD were rightfully deleted. Oh man. Do not watch them, under any circumstances. Nice editing job, seriously. Yikes.  We’re talking bad bad deleted scenes here.  Good riddance.

And so, to X3, I say bring it on.  Unfortunately, I can’t say the same about Star Wars. I can’t believe I’m typing this, but at the present date, I have absolutely no desire to see a sequel to Attack of the Clones.  I’m not even curious.  I’d rather sit next to Fran Dresher in a comedy club.

X2: X-Men United:  A-
Star Wars, Episode II: Attack Of The Clones: C-