Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle vs Clockwatchers

Once I drank an Orange Crush, using a Twizzler as a straw.  The opening scene of Charlie’s Angels:  Full Throttle is the movie equivalent of freezing Orange Crush popsicles and using Twizzlers as sticks.  Full Throttle, like its predecessor, was directed by McG (No first name necessary. Or last name, apparently.).  The first movie was lightning-paced and funny, and used Kung Fu movie fighting and Matrixy special effects, mixed liberally with a retro soundtrack and pop culture references.  Although the lead Angels—DrB, CamD, and LuLi—were plenty to carry the movie, they had a groovy supporting cast, including Bill Murray, Sam Rockwell and Crispin Glover.  The sequel builds on all of these qualities, and then builds on those qualities, and then builds and builds and piles and piles.  McG is the Hansel and Grettel of film directors.  Angels had stunts, so Full Throttle has STUNTS.  It also has a SOUNDTRACK and CAMEOS and MONTAGES and FLASHBACKS.  Periodically, during Charlie’s Angels:  Full Throttle, I wondered:  Is this what the inside of my brain looks like?

Once you re-acclimate yourself to McG’s A.D.D. world, you’ll be fine.  It took me about twenty minutes.  In those opening moments alone, we have mechanical bull-riding, surfing, emergency skydiving, and motocross, all set to about ten different pop songs, most of which are from other films.  It’s all shot in hyper-kinetic start-and-stop, with dozens of camera angels and bright colors.

More than once I’ve put chocolate Quik on my Rice Krispies before adding milk.   

The opening scene is sort of like the beginning to the James Bond movies, with a quick adventure and narrow escape that seems unrelated to the rest of the movie, but is actually kicking off the plot.  I won’t get into it here, cause it’s sort of a fun scene, and it’s really short anyway, but you should know that Lucy Liu climbs out of a wooden crate ass first and then unwinds like an opening fist until she’s upright on the ground. If I ran the movie industry, my first rule would be:  Lucy Liu should always make her entrance in movies by being upside down in a box, exiting one limb at a time and then shaking out her hair in slow-mo. It’s very cool, and it’s one of the only quiet moments in the movie, accented only by the doo doo-doo doo-doo doodoodoodoo from the original series.  Soon, she has completed her end of the mission and joins the other Angels.  They’re confronted by like a hundred Mongolians and jump into a cartoonish pre-fight backflippy thing that makes it look like the Angels can fly this time.  I think McG is playing with our expectations somewhat. Beyond the first scene, Full Throttle is continuously self-aware and self-deprecating.  For example, at one point, the Angels are mocked for posing before they jump into battle.  Another scene beats anyone to the punch who thinks “they’re gonna end up replacing one of the Angels before long. Probably the really expensive one.”

I’ve eaten Fun Dip using only my tongue.

The plot, if you’ve just gotta know, involves the theft of two rings containing the identities of citizens in the Witness Relocation Program.  Also, Demi Moore costars as a former Angel with a rockin’ body and a grudge.  Also, Dylan’s (DrB) ex-con ex-boyfriend is looking for her.  If you think these three details aren’t related…what are you, an exchange student or something? Not that the plot is beside the point, but well, the plot is sort of beside the point.  Most of the movie is service to one of three things:

1. The Angels being funny and hot.
2. The Angels being tough and hot.
3. The Angels spoofing and/or paying tribute to other movies. (Although the Cape Fear stuff is pretty blatant. I’m not sure which category it falls into. However, it involves Drew fighting with machetes, starting fires and singing along with ”Living on a Prayer” at the top of her lungs.)

The Angels all have individual storylines this time, but Drew Barrymore’s is the only one pivotal to the plot, and the only one not hinging on a Three’s Company style misunderstanding.  The Angels also get more individual fighting styles this time, with Drew coming out ahead again. Her fighting is more urgent and angry. She’s all fists and yelling and doing this cool backspin thing to get back up on her feet.  Plus, she wears these kick-ass heavy metal shirts throughout the movie. As for the other two, well, it’s hit or miss. I like how Cameron Diaz is so eager to poke fun at herself; she is pretty funny, and she’s believably athletic and ass-kicky. Her non-Angel moments in the movie (meaning the Three’s Company stuff) are awkward. She gets like three dance sequences, and she’s a good dancer and all, but it seemed like filler after a while. Any time Diaz is on screen, there’s the potential for Corky St. John to pop in with an “everybody dance!” Liu fares little better, having most of her character scenes reduced to innuendo. Bernie Mac replaces Bill Murray, and while the words “replaces Bill Murray” seem ridiculous to me, Mac is pretty funny, despite most of his dialogue being of the “white girls are crazy” variety.

So, do I recommend A2:FT? Well, yeah, I guess so. Let’s put it this way: The ending features a bikini car wash set to a Journey song and intercut with bloopers from the movie.  What’s your reaction to that?  That’ll be your reaction to the movie as well.

After Full Throttle, you’ll undoubtedly be in the mood for some peace and quiet. But no naps for you, no sir. This is a double feature, no backing out now. I think the best chaser for Full Throttle is the dark, weird, nearly silent world of the Clockwatchers.

When I was in Eighth Grade, I left a major pizza chain without paying.

Do you have a job? Ever hated that job? Clockwatchers is the movie for you. Like Office Space, and to a lesser degree American Beauty, Clockwatchers taps into that paranoid, depression-fueled aggression we all have for our jobs from time to time. Unlike those other movies though, Clockwatchers is subtle, almost subversive. It’s one of the most biting satires of the past decade, while barely being a satire at all. If you haven’t guessed, I think it’s pretty smart. It’s also funny as hell and oddly moving.  Clockwatchers follows a few weeks in the lives of office temps. The main character is Iris, the new girl, played by Toni Collette.  On her first day, she’s told to sit and wait.  Hours later, her boss finally comes to get her, and asks why she didn’t say anything. Well, because she was told to sit and wait, you dumbass, and it’s her first day, and how is she supposed to know how inadequately your company is ran?

I’ve been known, when staying in a hotel, to sneak into the continental breakfast in the middle of the night, take what I want, and sleep late the next morning.

Iris eventually meets the rest of the temp crew—Paula (Lisa Kudrow), Jane (Alanna Ubach--Beakman!), and Margaret (my girlfriend, Parker Posey). Iris learns that the hardest part of her new job is finding ways to keep busy, or at least look busy between meaningless tasks. It’s a dull job, and come on, they’ll probably not be there long anyway, right? Margaret shows her around the office (they work in credit, not that it matters), and we get a little insight into the minds of temps. Margaret walks the hallways like she owns the place, smarting off and kissing up to all the right people. She’s bitter and funny; she gives unsolicited stock advice over the phone and ignores requests to take messages. Iris becomes friends with the other girls in her circle, kind of, but feels like an outsider.  Collette’s narration is delivered just above a whisper, as if part of a late-night phone call. Day in, day out, the temps come to work, do nothing, get no respect, and go home.

And then something happens.  The coffee money is missing. Who took it? Everyone’s a suspect, mainly the temps. The crimes continue, and suddenly, being a temp is exciting.  What will be taken next? Who will be blamed? Will a lucky temp get the thief’s permanent job?

Clockwatchers was directed by Jill Sprecher (based on a script by Jill and her sister Karen), and is clearer about the way people speak and think than any movie has any right to be.  It’s obvious the Sprecher sisters have been temps.  How else would they know “I was here” is carved under the typewriter, or that there’s a sexy mama coffee cup in the break room? Clockwatchers is unbelievably rich with details, like the skeevy guy from Happy Hour who gives his business cards away so often they’re starting to pile up in the ladies’ room, the Office-Barbie style outfit Margaret wears to work when her parents are in town, and the cupcakes Iris makes for her new friends. There’s a scene about a quarter of the way in, with everyone waiting out those last few minutes of work (including Jamie Kennedy as a magic marker sniffing mailroom clerk), and it’s so accurate, it almost becomes anthropology.

Watch closely for the random acts of theft taking place throughout Clockwatchers.  Almost every scene has someone taking something, or lying, or destroying property. A million little crimes, but it’s human nature, right? Right?  I mean, come on, those temps suffer enough as it is. What’s a sweater here, a pencil there? We’re left with only one clockwatcher sticking it out until the end. Her revenge is beautiful, and the stuff of shitty job fantasies. Watch Clockwatchers soon, but make sure it’s a Friday, so you have a couple days between it and your next day at work.

I scammed Columbia House without hesitation or regret, and I’d do it again.

Okay, so this double feature is over, but I wanna take just a second to sing the praises of my girlfriend Parker Posey. Movie after movie she works her smart-ass magic, and Clockwatchers is no exception. She knocks back tiny liquor bottles, runs in the hall, plays with fire, and intimidates the office supplies guy. Every line is delivered without fanfare, without affectation, but never without that sly, curly grin and those big round eyes, ready to narrow at an instant. I won’t reveal whether or not Margaret is the thief among the clockwatchers, but one thing’s for sure: Parker Posey has this movie in her back pocket the whole time.

Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle:  B-
Clockwatchers: A-