Hellboy vs The Dangerous Lives Of Altar Boys

Movies based on comic books used to be more of a novelty. We only got one every five years or so, and there were barely enough of them to consider Comic Book Movie a genre unto itself. Now though, they’re coming pretty quickly, so much so that the comic book movie has invaded other genres. There are comedies (Ghost World), dramas (Road to Perdition), action, sci-fi, and of course, crap. This is what we—comic book readers—kept saying we wanted: all of our favorite books turned into movies. And so, we’ve reached that point I didn’t think we’d reach: apathy. Hellboy has been hyped like crazy, and instead of Googling it every couple days like I might have three years ago, its release is that of a movie I’m…interested in, rather than one I’m…obsessed with. I left the theater feeling the same way.

Hellboy tells the origin of its title character, and follows him on a later adventure directly related to his origin. I got the idea that Hellboy had been on many other missions in the present day, but for the sake of his first movie, this particular mission…is personal. Hellboy’s origin is what you might call…complex (I might call it convoluted, but that’s the difference between you and me.) The Nazis (the most dependable bad guys ever. Is anyone offended when Nazis are the bad guys?) were getting desperate near the end of World War II, and alongside Rasputin, opened a portal to Hell. Nazis were killed, Rasputin was sucked through the portal, and a little red devil puppy toddler guy came through to our side. He’s lured with Baby Ruth candy bars by Professor Bruttenholm, and raised by the government to fight evil on Earth. These early scenes are filmed in pitch darkness, and it’s almost impossible to keep track of anyone. I’m not sure if this was to show us how disorienting it was to be there at the time, or to obscure what might be a much smaller set than we’re to believe. Later, though, there’s a cool comic-booky moment when little Hellboy gets his picture taken with American soldiers, and everyone else is sepia-toned, while Hellboy remains red.

Sixty years later, aging in a way described as “reverse dog”, Hellboy is a huge, cigar-chomping bad-ass. One of his arms is enormous and brick-like, and he’s got a tail and huge horns, the latter of which he sands down to appear more normal. Hellboy sets Hellboy up as sort of a tragic Beauty and the Beast/Hulk figure, who stays secluded most of the time but longs to be normal enough to drink beer in a pub and maybe date a skinny twentysomething actress. Appropriately, Hellboy is played by former Beast Ron Perlman. This is dead-on casting, and a rare occasion of actually getting the right person for the job. Perlman is nearly unrecognizable under his Hellboy makeup, so getting a huge or upcoming star would be lost on this movie anyway (Ron Pearlman, sans Hellboy makeup, looks sort of like Will Farrell’s stunt double). The makeup, by the way, is great, and for the most part, doesn’t call attention to itself as a special effect. Well, almost. At one point, he and Selma Blair kiss, and it takes special effort on her part to get their lips lined up properly, and then to not move at all, for fear of, I dunno, knocking his chin off, or laughing, or screaming at her agent or whatever.

Hellboy and his associates work at the F.B.I. Bureau for Paranormal Research and Defense (Jeffrey Tambor appears as a bureaucrat who insists on TV that the FBI doesn’t even have a paranormal department). They’re sort of like a cross between Men and Black, X-Men, X-Files, Angel, Buffy, etc, etc. In other words, you’ve seen this before. In fact, the opening scenes at the agency are cribbed pretty much directly from The Silence of the Lambs. John Meyers is a young FBI recruit, recently transferred to the Bureau. He’s led through a series of rooms, first introduced to Abe Sapien, a Creature from the Black Lagoon type who reads four novels a day and snacks on rotten eggs in his tank. He’s played by Doug Jones, but voiced by David Hyde Pierce, and I think he’s one of the highlights of the movie. Abe is psychic, and serves as sort of a profiler at crime scenes. An underwater scene of Abe gathering um, demon monster eggs or something while trying to avoid actual grown demon monster things is one of the more effective scenes of the movie. It’s at once soothing and stressful.

Next on the list is Hellboy. John is given candy bars, which is apparently the quickest way to Hellboy’s good side. He finds Hellboy standing, ala Hannibal Lecter, in his cell, only this monster is surrounded by kittens and chomping a cigar. Hellboy is good at his job, which he does with deadpan wit.

Soon, they’re on the hunt for an ancient evil monster. Hellboy finds it fairly quickly; it’s a giant c.g.i. octo-hog thing, and Hellboy makes short work of it. At first. Seems it has a resurrection power. Oh, and it’s laying eggs (the demon monster eggs you’ve heard so much about). The fight scenes with these monsters are fun, when you can see them (especially when Hellboy follows one into a subway tunnel), but there are so many similar fights that after a while, they get a little tedious, which is a shame. If there’s one thing that should never get tedious, it’s a seven-foot cigar-smoking demon fighting giant octo-hog things.

Meanwhile, the Nazis are in the present day, unaged and ready to bring back Rasputin. One of the Nazis is a metal faceplate wearer with nifty extendo knives he spins with Darth Maul-like intensity. In one scene he takes out a group of guards who don’t even realize they’re being killed until it’s done.

Of course no tragic comic book hero would be complete without an unrequited love, and Hellboy has his in Sarah, a lonely girl with pyrotechnic powers, played by Selma Blair. She’s being kept in a clinic, and has finally managed to stop bursting into flames when provoked. Hellboy loves her and wants her to feel the same way. There’s a brief flirtation, plotwise, with John being attracted to Sarah as well, which was nothing more than a distraction. Luckily, Sarah does get provoked once in a while. Selma Blair is good, though basically all she’s given to do is this sort of depressed, monotone Flaming Girl Interrupted stuff. She’s sincere and believable though, and even has a nice bad-ass moment near the end, when she tells another character “You should be running,” and then shows why.

Hellboy was directed by Guillermo del Toro, who has a nice sensibility for certain comic book touches, like the aforementioned Hellboy-and-soldiers photograph, and a scene where blood fills in a stone maze. When the story is in the present day, and in the capable, smart-ass hands of Ron Perlman, things really hum there for a while. Of course, Hellboy is set up perfectly for a sequel, and it’s not a bad idea, especially now that the Nazis are out of the way. Here’s hoping the giant c.g.i. octo-hog things can take the hint.

I could go with the obvious choice for a Hellboy double feature. The first X-Men is basically Hellboy filmed with good lighting and prettier actors. Instead, I’ve decided to give a little attention to a movie that isn’t a comic book movie, but wishes it was: The Dangerous Lives of Altar Boys.

Altar Boys, directed by Peter Care, follows a group of boys around for a brief period (only a few weeks) in the 1970s. There are four of them, but the movie makes a point early on to show us that only two of them matter: Tim, played by Kieren Culkin, and Francis, played by Emile Hirsch. Culkin and Hirsch are lucky to be alive today, rather than fifty years ago, because if they wanted to be working actors, they’d have to kiss those names goodbye. By the way, why does spell-check have a problem with Kieren Culkin, but not Emile Hirsch? It won’t let me type “Hellboy” without a red underline, but “Emile Hirsch” is fine?

Tim is smart, and the most vocal leader of the group. Francis is more reserved and sensitive. At first I thought he was dumb, but maybe he’s what amounts to the strong silent type, at least comparatively speaking. Tim, Francis, and you know, the other two, spend their free time sneaking alcohol, talking about girls, and working on their comic, The Atomic Trinity. Tim is the editor, which should come as no surprise. What is surprising, though, is that The Atomic Trinity sessions are played out as animated sequences drawn by Todd McFarlane. The only problem I have with them is that the movie is set in the 1970s, and McFarlane’s animation is right in keeping with his 1990s Spawn series. Though visually less exciting, I think the 1960s Hanna Barberra style is more appropriate. Oh well. The Atomic Trinity are fully-realized ass-kickers, in the vain of, well, Hellboy. Their adventures follow the boys’ story, only in much more dramatic and symbolic ways. Their equally-powerful damsel is based on Francis’s school crush, Margie, played by Jena Malone. The villain? Why it’s the one-legged, chopper-riding Nunzilla. Duh. Nunzilla is based on Sister Assumpta, the boys’ strict, repressed, repressing, misunderstood teacher, played by Jodie Foster.

Wait, Jodie Foster’s a big star. What’s she doing playing a nun in a coming-of-age movie? Isn’t she horning in on character-actress territory? Well, yeah. Yeah, she is, and I think it’s cool for a couple reasons: First of all, the storyline fits right in with Foster’s oeuvre, which is almost without exception about either characters suffering from parental neglect, or characters that are smarter than everyone else and suffering for it. Secondly, she’s really good in this movie. It’s a complete performance; Foster finds several moments to show that Assumpta cares about her students and wants to do right by them, when the script would have her remain otherwise. Tiny gestures and facial expressions from Foster keep Assumpta from turning into the monster the boys draw her to be. The casting of Jodie Foster as the primary adult in Altar Boys is key. At first, we think we know what kind of movie we’re watching, and then Foster appears, and we think, well, it can’t just be about teens. And it’s not, at least not in the traditional way movies are about teens.

Altar Boys seeks to become something more than just a coming-of-age story. The home-lives of Tim and Francis are drastically different. Francis has a crowded house of siblings, everyone at the dinner table. Tim sits in front of his TV, in a numb suburban stupor, while his parents scream at each other only a few feet away. Tim’s family would be right at home in The Ice Storm, or The Virgin Suicides. So would Margie. Jena Malone knows her Margies. She has played this character—the sensitive teen’s soulful girlfriend—what, a hundred times now? In Altar Boys, however, Malone is given a literally haunted backstory, and she makes the most of it. She’s fragile and weird and tragic, and if her storyline seems a little heavy for the rest of the movie, it’s not like we haven’t been warned. At first, the animated sequences are a little jarring. Altar Boys is otherwise filmed as a simple, 1970s drama, with no quick edits or funky camera angles. When the animation comes in, it’s unsettling, and equally so when we snap back to the simple reality. After spending time with Francis, Tim and Margie though, you realize that the animation is preparing us for the truly jarring aspects of these kids’ lives. Watching Altar Boys directly after Hellboy, you might expect Malone to be able to burst into flames, almost as much as Margie wants to.

Some of the details of Altar Boys seem good for the plot, but not so much for these particular characters. Sister Assumpta takes away a notebook containing the boys’ comic book plans, but also their William Blake. Would she really be that against Blake in the 1970s? It’s just Blake, for crying out loud. Wouldn’t she be impressed that the boys were reading something that artistic and advanced? She might even be teaching it. But, the plot demands that Assumpta piss off the boys, and it’s good to have her piss us off as well, and what does that quicker than unnecessary censorship? Plus, with William Blake, you’ve got your tiger metaphor at the ready, and well, the boys have already made a trip to the zoo and met a couple real tigers, and are all geared up for an ironic or poetic ending, rather than the ending that the movie earned, which is one of way more subtly and way less symbolism about the head and shoulders. Ouch.

Yeah, the ending. I know. The ending is a lot to grasp. I bought it. You might not, and that’s fine. First of all, that stoned park ranger didn’t say anything about a second tiger. Secondly, are these boys smart or stupid? Altar Boys can’t seem to decide, and that’s possibly the point. Their lives are Dangerous, get it? Not blessed, or nutty, but Dangerous. Atomic Trinity dangerous. Hellboy dangerous. And yeah, kind of silly. For the first ninety percent of the movie, though, Altar Boys is so much more than dangerous. It’s good.

Hellboy: B-
The Dangerous Lives of Altar Boys: B+