Alien Vs Predator vs Ed Wood

Ed Wood never made a good movie. I'm sure he made some that are fun to watch, in that so-bad-it's-good way. But just because he made crap, doesn't mean Ed Wood didn't like movies. He loved movies perhaps more than anyone else, and believed in them as true purveyors of art, happiness, emotion and escape. He would have loved Alien Versus Predator, mainly because it has aliens and monsters and noise and mythology and complicated yet meaningless dialogue. It's total crap. Hey, all I said was Ed Wood loved movies. I didn't say he had good taste.

In Ed Wood, there's a scene when Ed and his crew are filming on a sidewalk. They don't have a permit of course, so they have to work quickly. One take, and Ed's ready to move on. Doesn't he want another? You know, for coverage? Of course not, silly. Ed thought that one was fantastic! Let's keep it! Moving on! Alien Versus Predator is full of moments like that, where you could have sworn there was a better way of doing things, but nope, moving on! My favorite line occurs about half way into Ed Wood. He's gotten funding for his next picture, under the condition that his whole cast and crew be Baptized. Ed agrees, but then his backers have more suggestions for his film. Throughout Alien Versus Predator, I found myself thinking of the phrase Ed Wood yells in frustration: “These Baptists are driving me crazy!”

Now, if you're a Predator fan, this might not be such a bad thing. The first Predator is tense and scary, but it's also firmly grounded in the muscle-bound world of 1980s' action. Punching, shooting, posing, followed by a sarcastic quip, repeat. The second is both more and less of the same. It's not that the Predator movies are disposable, it's just that, yeah, they kind of are, but in the best way. The Alien movies, on the other hand, always seem to be aiming for something different. Each one has a specific mood and visual style, and the acting is always first-rate. The later ones aren't for everyone (and anyone who's read my review of Alien Resurrection on here knows I'm fond of the Alien series to the point of bias), but they all strive for individuality, which is something Alien Versus Predator never even considers.

The director of Alien Versus Predator is Paul W.S. Anderson, who has a name very close to a gifted director, and therefore probably receives undue compliments on a regular basis. That'll do, I think, because Alien Versus Predator is pretty awful. The dialogue is the sort that you might repeat to yourself in the theater right after it's been uttered, as if you're not sure you heard it correctly. For example, when a character says, “We've crossed the point of no return,” it's your cue to say “point of no return?” It would help if, say, Sigourney Weaver were delivering these gems, but no, instead we have…uh…a cast of memorable uh…there's a British guy, and a smart female mountain-climbing expert and…well, it's probably best we don't remember them anyway, right? They'll appreciate it, I'm sure. Hell, all that matters is that the monsters look awesome and get to it, right?

The Predators look fine, I suppose, but there's not much advancement visually. They're guys in suits, mainly, and they have sort of a stuntman sensibility I appreciate, in which they get the job done, and leave emoting to levels of tilting their heads like puppies to express pretty much everything. The Predators, see, are a race of warriors, and they require Predators of a certain age to come to Earth to prove their adeptness at hunting and killing and turning invisible. They do this by breeding aliens--or rather, Aliens—to be the ultimate prey. There's a flashback scene of applause-worthy ridiculousness that treats us to human handmaidens or whatever being served up to the gods of hunting and killing and turning invisible. Near the end, one of the Predators has teamed up with one of the humans, so besides having a rich history (among the Columbians, Mexicans and Egyptians, no less) the Predators are also pretty hospitable when you think about it. By the way, you'll know which human is left standing at the end after about five seconds of the movie. Paul W.S. Anderson all but sits by you in the theater and elbows you every time the character is on screen.

The Aliens fair a little better than anyone else, be they human or Predator. The Aliens are rendered in their usual slimy, shadow-hugging way, although the editing on AVP doesn't do them any favors. Very rarely do they actually provide many scares. This time, the Aliens are just there to be hunted and to be gross. Although, to be sure, the giant queen Alien lumbering around like a T-Rex is impressive, and the Alien scarred with criss-cross acid burns from a Predator net serves much the same purpose as Stripe from Gremlins: He actually becomes a recognizable Alien. Too bad he's one from the movie with the giant ice slide, and the guy who can instantly translate any kind of hieroglyphic, and the artic cold that you only need long sleeves to survive in. Some day, Paul W.S. Anderson might indeed make a movie remembered for being great (and to be fair, AVP does have a couple well-staged fight scenes). Until then, he'll have to rely on the hope that someone like Tim Burton will come along and be inspired by his enthusiasm, maybe even enough to make a movie as loopy, original and intelligent as Ed Wood.

Ed Wood is the perfect companion to any crappy movie. Ed fits right in with Tim Burton's band of outsiders: Edward Scissorhands, Batman, Pee-Wee, Lydia from Beetlejuice, Edward Bloom. He's a cross-dressing, toothless veteran who loves blondes and genre movies. He's played by Johnny Depp in a great comedic performance. It probably seems as if Ed Wood is some kind of parody, but the affection for the characters is genuine, and so is the storytelling. Burton uses crisp black and white cinematography, with each scene framed as if it were a matinee picture from the 1950s. All of the elements are there for a cheesy space invasion or a wolfman attack, but everything plays straight. Unlike AVP, Ed Wood is to be no less than cherished for its performances. Every single role is memorable. It's one of those casts where you smile just by seeing the names listed: Johnny Depp, Bill Murray, Sarah Jessica Parker, Patricia Arquette, and especially Martin Landau as Ed Wood's beloved star Bela Lugosi. Bela's career was completely forgotten by the time Ed Wood got to him, and its revival is the heart of Ed Wood. Burton plays much of the movie to its black comedy potential, but in Landau's performance, and Bela's friendship with Ed Wood, he shows a lot of heart too, and that's more awesome than a thousand Aliens charging up a pyramid toward the last standing Predator. It's fantastic, let's keep it.

Alien Versus Predator: D
Ed Wood: A