The Da Vinci Code vs Foul Play

The Da Vinci Code is the most ado about nothing—NOTHING—that I recall seeing in movie form in a long, long time. I’d say the same about the book, but I haven’t read it. I worked at a bookstore at the peak of its popularity, and what I can say about The Da Vinci Code is that if you’d seen who else was buying it, you wouldn’t have read it either.

But there’s all this controversy! Everybody’s got an opinion; there’s a church billboard on my way to work that has been decrying The Da Vinci Code movie for the past month. Apparently it’s blasphemous and offensive and terrible for your soul. And lies: it’s all nothing but lies. So consider me your sinful guinea pig. I tested the unholy waters so you don’t have to. And here is my report: The Da Vinci Code is just like the early movies based on John Grisham books (didn’t read those either). It’s like The Firm, with better art on the walls. That’s what all the fuss was about?

Tom Hanks plays Robert Langdon, an expert in symbols and back-combing who is summoned to the Louvre to investigate the murder of one of his colleagues. We’ve seen the murder. The man was shot in the gut, and then staggered away. When Langdon is brought to the crime scene by the officials, the victim has been stripped naked, laid out on a pentagram, with clues scribbled and smeared all over the museum. And he did it all himself. That guy got more done on his deathbed than I can accomplish after two Red Bulls and eight hours sleep. He was probably half into his to-do list for the next day. Langdon is soon joined by Sophie Neveu, a police officer with secret ties to the victim, the crime, Langdon, the history of man, Leonardo Da Vinci, millionaire benefactors, boxy cars and fetching French accents, the latter of which is because she’s played by Audrey Tautou, in one of the better examples of casting up that I’ve seen in quite some time. This is the kind of role that was played by Lori Petty for a couple years, but we get Audrey Tautou, so right away, hats off.

Anyway, Sophie and Robert team up and find clues in the art of Leonardo Da Vinci. Further meetings with Sir Leigh Teabing (Sir Ian McKellen) reveal that the crime (which is now being blamed on Robert Langdon) has ties to Opus Dei, the Knights Templar, and Jesus Christ himself. It’s all quite interesting, in the way that the paintings and writings reveal things they’ve never revealed before, even though they read and look the way they always have. It’s sort of like when you were a kid and someone showed you how to turn George Washington’s head into a mushroom on a dollar, or when you rented Three Men and a Baby just to see the dead kid (please tell me that’s why you rented it.) Besides the art and religion, we’ve got an easy-to-lose cop played by Jean Reno, a creepy, mumbling monk played by Paul Bettany (all the fuss over him being albino was lost on me. Dude’s got rosy cheeks and blond hair), and Alfred Molina, who is so over the top he keeps squinting and trying to point out the top, but it’s just a tiny dot, and he’s all “Is that it? I think that’s it. Wait, is that the Space Needle? It was here a second ago…”

The Da Vinci Code was directed by Ron Howard. He’s good, and makes things look good, and if he goes a little long trying to make sure that stupid people aren’t confused, well then that’s just Ron Howard being his usual agreeable self. The Da Vinci Code is complicated, and fun and interesting, but it’s not offensive, and I can’t imagine it would be even if you went expecting it to be. “Offensive” is kind of like “sexy” or “funny”: you pretty much have it or you don’t, and the harder you look, the less you find. Da Vinci Code doesn’t have it (it’s not sexy or funny either, in case you were wondering.)

So, there’s another movie out there with a church conspiracy, an albino villain, a shaggy haired professional and a mysterious female with ties to it all: Foul Play. If you’ve never seen Foul Play, you probably weren’t considering it. Well what do you want? Pelican Brief? Cause I’ll recommend that shit, you just watch. Then you’ll be sorry.

Foul Play is always either on, almost on, or going off. Put Foul Play into your Tivo and it’ll find it in roughly three hours. It’s just as fascinating and twisty as The Da Vinci Code, but it’s way more fun. Foul Play is an endless homage to Hitchcock, but also fits in nicely with the Blake Edwards sex farces of the era. Chevy Chase and Goldie Hawn play the leads, and they’re great.  Hawn is especially well-cast. She’s every bit as deliriously camera-ready as any of Hitchcock’s blonds. Seriously, if you haven’t seen Goldie Hawn in the 1970s, just skip Da Vinci Code completely and rent Sugarland Express, Foul Play and Shampoo. I’m not the kind of guy who usually says “hubba hubba”, but seriously: Hubba. Also, hubba. Not only that, but Burgess Meredith is there, and who doesn’t love him; and Dudley Moore plays this awesome disco pervert with the best disco pervert apartment ever. Foul Play was written and directed by Colin Higgins, who also wrote Harold and Maude and The Silver Streak. It’s jaw-dropping to consider how different movies would be today without those three little contributions. There’d likely be no 48 Hours, no Rushmore, and I’m willing to bet, no Da Vinci Code. Now how’s that for a conspiracy?

The Da Vinci Code: B-
Foul Play: A