300 vs Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon

There are only so many movies I can see with a tiny army of dudes with shields taking on a bigger army of bigger dudes with arrows and helmet-wearing elephants. One guy always has a wife and son at home, and possibly some wheat to sway meaningfully in the breeze. I saw Braveheart, Gladiator, Kingdom of Heaven, Troy, Alexander and Apocalypto. And, I also saw Saving Private Ryan, Dances with Wolves, The Patriot, The Lord of the Rings trilogy, Gangs of New York and Master and Commander, so really, there’s no need for me to see 300 at all.

Except it’s based on a comic book. Damn. Gets me every time. Here, here’s my ten bucks. Just take it, 300.

Like Sky Captain, Sin City, and--let’s call a spade a spade--the Star Wars prequels, 300 is almost completely CGI, minus a few of the characters. I say a few because many of the characters are either mutant, giant, or mask-wearing villains, and it’s hard to imagine that a film going to the trouble of creating an armor-wearing rhino wouldn’t also create a couple thousand Persian warriors while it’s at it. The scenery is beautiful, full of browns, reds and golds. Like a video game, though, the settings in 300 only appear as they become necessary to the characters. I never had a feeling that anything was up ahead as the soldiers marched. And when they had left a setting, I knew that it no longer existed, because that level had been completed, the boss had been killed, and characters’ health had been restored.

Gerard Butler stars as the Spartan King Leonidas. As a boy, he was examined, as all Spartans were, and having no deformities, was allowed to live. Yes, the Spartans killed the weak boys; we see their skulls piling up. They’re the good guys of the movie, so it’s not mentioned again (although one deformed boy grows into adulthood, and turns up in the movie as a cross between Golum and Sloth from the Goonies). Leonidas has a loving queen, and the respect of all his people. One day, a Persian messenger arrives, and tells Leonidas that his people should prepare to surrender to King Xerxes. Leonidas responds by killing the messenger and planning a preemptive attack on the Persians.

The rest of the film (the bulk of it), focuses on the attack. And the one after it. And the one after that, and the one after that. 300 is basically one long fight scene, and it’s awesome, to be fair. But there’s at least one decapitation that we’re meant to feel something about, and by the time it occurs, I’d witnessed a dozen or so other decapitations, and was pretty numb to the whole thing. And when another character then rushes to the headless body, and cradles it, and the head’s on the ground there, and the narrator tells us how sad it is to hug a headless body, well…it’s not meant to be funny, right? 300 does that again and again. If the Spartans are the good guys, and we’re supposed to believe in their love of freedom, then can they have dialogue that isn’t straight out of Matthew McConnaughey’s pregame pep-talk? And if the special effects are going to be as jaw-droppingly impressive as they sometimes are in 300 (seriously, the giant and the elephant tanks are amazing in any context), then can the sets look a little less Clash of the Titans? And can we put a little less make-up on the abs? And the faces?

300 was based on a Frank Millar graphic novel, and was directed by Zach Snyder. Snyder obviously spent a lot of time with the source material. Frame-for-frame, the film looks as good or better than the comic (though at times, it looks a little air-brushy, like Wayne Campbell’s favorite album covers). He gets a hell of a performance from Gerard Butler, who is bulked up to eleven on the badass scale, speaks in nothing less than a bellow (in Connery Scottish), and rocks a red cape better than anyone since Christopher Reeve. He would have been a great addition to any of the movies you’ve seen that you think about during 300.

Listen, I know movies don’t have to be a bastion of originality. 300 is fun for two solid hours, and that should count for something. But what if it were a touch more distinct, still fun, had interesting roles for more than one gender, but maybe dropped the special effects budget some? That’d still be okay, right? Let’s give it a try.

Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon tells a story not unlike 300’s. It’s one of revenge, tradition, glory, pride and family. It’s warmer though, more tactile. The special effects are more noticeable in a way, but they’re definitely happening to humans. When the characters run across rooftops, we know there are wires, hell sometimes we can see them. But it doesn’t matter. We believe in Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon because the characters are real, and their mission is sacred.

The mission isn’t as grave as that as the soldiers of 300, but Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon is a story of individuals. There are two old warriors (Michelle Yeoh and Chow Yun-Fat. You, Gerard Butler, are no Chow Yun-Fat. I’m just saying.), a young princess (Ziyi Zhang), and a stolen sword called the Green Destiny. Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, directed by Ang Lee, is lyrical and has moments of actual conversation between the characters. They have a history, and a sense of duty and respect. The characters of 300 yell about it a lot, but we never see it happening.

But make no mistake: Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon is an action movie, with fight stunts and effects that top practically anything else released the past decade (I’ll grant you the Matrix, but only the first one; Kill Bill; and maybe Gangs of New York.) The scene of Ziyi Zhang kicking every ass in a two-story tavern is more fun than anything in 300 (okay, Helmet Elephants, not as much as you, jeez). And later in the movie, mid-battle, Yun-Fat and Zhang pause, high atop swaying green reeds. They’ve been flying, skimming and swinging along them for a while, and then they just stand there for a moment, calm as the reeds spring under them. It’s a killer scene, and it’s as real as stuff like this gets (it’s obvious the actors are the ones up in the trees, that the trees are real, and that it’s quite high off the ground.)

Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon isn’t unique, of course. You’ll be reminded of Unforgiven, Star Wars, and practically every movie ever set in the desert. But unlike 300, as Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon progresses, I thought less about the effects and design, and more about the story. A movie like that, you feel like you need to see. A movie like Braveheart. Or Gladiator. Or Gangs of New York. Or…

300: B-
Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon: A-