Spider-man 3 vs Batman Forever

Let’s talk for a moment, shall we? I’ve heard your grumbling: the new Spider-man movie is too long, and with three villains this time, it’s too stuffed for any of the existing characters to be developed properly. It’ll be campy, it’ll have action scenes, but no emotional pay-off.

So do me a favor: when you’re done blogging, or filling up message boards, or complaining to me (which some of you have already done), why not take a couple hours and watch Batman and Robin.

Yeah, Batman and Robin. You babies don’t know from too long. Three villains? You think three villains is too many? Let Batman and Robin prove your point. Get some extra fuel for Harry Osborn, Venom and Sandman, by spending two hours with Mr. Freeze, Poison Ivy and Bane. Afraid that Peter’s romance with Mary Jane will be pushed to the side because of the introduction of Gwen Stacy? That’s a valid fear, one that can only be strengthened by watching Bruce Wayne romance Elle McPherson, while Robin flirts with Batgirl, and they both get hit on by Poison Ivy.

You want empty action scenes? Man, does Batman and Robin have empty action scenes. How about a motorcycle race up a statue? How about a fight on ice skates?

And don’t get me started on campy. Arnold Swartzenegger has been called upon, as Mr. Freeze, to pun. To pun, my friends. The Spider-man movies use a Stan Lee cameo to pay tribute to their comic roots. Do you know what Batman and Robin uses? Bob Kane’s wife Elizabeth Sanders, as Gossip Gerty, the most excruciating character in a movie full of them.

Trust me, with Batman and Robin fresh on your mind, you’ll be so full of bile, Spider-man 3 will seem as exciting, character-driven and intelligent as, well, Spider-man 2.

It’s not, of course. In the history of movies based on super-hero comics, few can compare to Spider-man 2. Those first sequels can really raise the bar sometimes, can’t they? Godfather 2, Empire Strikes Back, Aliens, X-Men United, Spider-man 2. And so the third in the series, in an attempt to bring some closure, sometimes feels rushed. And we secretly miss our movie friends, and act out by picking fights.

And it’s ridiculous, because I know not a single one of you thinks this is the last Spider-man movie. You don’t have to say goodbye. You can take Spider-man 3 as an individual film that carries on the spirit and characterization of the first two movies, adds a whole lot of fun and crazy special effects, and bears no responsibility of locking down an ending for the franchise.

We rejoin our hero during the peak of his popularity. The public has embraced Spider-man, giving Peter Parker a boost in self-esteem. Of course a self-esteem boost does little for Peter Parker. Spider-man might be a big Halloween costume, but Peter still has his crappy scooter, part-time job, and fragile personal relationships. Chief among these is with Harry Osborn, who has transformed himself into a badass second Goblin, to carry on the family business of beating the shit out of Spider-man. Harry and Peter have an aerial battle through Manhattan that rivals any similar scene in the previous Spider-man movies. Peter wins, barely, and for a fun sequence in the middle of the movie, Harry lives as an upbeat amnesiac, thrilled to renew his friendships with Peter and Mary Jane. James Franco gives his best performance so far in the Spider-man movies, and doesn’t suffer a lack of screen-time, despite the addition of new characters.

The new characters, of course, are Sandman and Venom. Flint Marko (Thomas Hayden Church), an escaped con with a sick daughter, is revealed as the killer of Peter’s beloved Uncle Ben. A freak experiment turns him into the Sandman, who is made of sand, and can morph into any size or shape, pulling dust, concrete, and any number of city debris in for added heft. His original transformation is a visual stunner—fulfilling the promise of Terminator 2, you know, only with dirt—even if it receives little in the way of explanation.

Also on the scene now is Peter Parker’s work rival Eddie Brock (Topher Grace), who becomes the tar black, snarling, super-strong, Alien-faced Venom (not named in the movie). Eddie has been taken over by an alien simbiote, which feeds off his system and responds by amplifying his inner rage and desire. I think. For a time (the same time that Harry is nice), Peter is infected by the alien as well, although because Peter is a nicer guy than Brock, it manifests itself not as a fanged monster, but as a badass black Spider-man costume. Peter wears it under his clothes, strutting like Tony Manero, and beating one of his villains what appears to be to death. The alien goo that creates both Spider-man’s coolest suit and deadliest villain is given no origin aside from a meteor landing, but since the results of its presence are felt almost immediately, I didn’t begrudge director Sam Raimi much for any plot-dropping. Besides, it’s impressive that Raimi has continued to develop Peter, Mary Jane and Harry as characters. Most trilogies would have given them new haircuts in the second one and called it a day.

As Spider-man 3 muscles its way to a frightening, brutal climax of dropping taxies and web-snared girlfriends, we’re treated to a set piece involving an out-of-control crane (which was so scary and realistic the only thing I can think to compare it to is the news.), romantic troubles between Peter and his would-be fiancé Mary Jane, Spider-man’s wrestling with his own appetite for vengeance, and Topher Grace’s battle with what appears to be the least comfortable mask ever. Somehow, almost everything works, with emotional pay-offs to every jaw-dropping special-effect.

And you know I’m not going to make anybody watch Batman and Robin, but you get the point, right? There’s a difference in amping everything up to please fans with high expectations and bloating everything up to show off how big a budget you’ve been given. Spider-man 3 aims to please, in all the ways the previous two movies succeeded. If it’s a little overly-ambitious, so be it. Batman and Robin is a tacky mess, but by all accounts, it’s not just unsuccessful, it appears to be so on purpose. Watching Batman and Robin, you get the idea that this is a joke played on the audience, that fans of other comic book movies were somehow greedy and indulgent about costumes, effects and over-the-top origins, so this was our campy parody payback. So no, don’t watch Batman and Robin. Ever. Instead, I’m recommending that you watch Batman Forever.

Batman Forever is almost as overstuffed a turkey as its sequel. Acknowledging the previous two movies in the series absolutely not at all, Batman has a new car, new suit, is played by a new actor, has a new girlfriend, new partner and two new villains. Everything is shot in blues and grays, like the previous films, but Batman Forever, having been directed by Joel Schumacher, adds black-light neon to every scene possible. The villains are well-cast, but non-threatening and cartoonishly costumed. The Riddler’s hair alone would be reason to question the choice of director.

Batman Forever has fun moments (Riddler sneaking into the Batcave and blowing up cars comes to mind), and if you’re going to swell a cast to unnecessary proportions, you could do a lot worse than the group of actors assembled here. But it’s overkill. The Riddler’s plot to control Gotham City via television is not just ludicrously inconceivable, it has nothing to do with Batman or Bruce Wayne. And what’s with the enormous island hideout? And with Robin being obviously twenty-five? And with all that neon?

But Batman Forever serves a very important purpose. It’s a line in the sand. It shows us the breaking point for comic book sequels. Batman Forever holds the exact amount of characters, plotlines, action sequences, and fake-muscle-padded costumes any given movie can hold. Upset the balance at all, and…well we all know what you get. Nipples. Bat credit cards. Gorilla suits. Ice puns. I have complete faith in Sam Raimi to rein things in before they get too crazy. With each movie, he’s cast the villains based on ability rather than marquee value, which is always a good sign. Plus, three movies in, and Peter Parker still lives in his tiny apartment, still gets his Spider-man costume ripped to shreds in a fight, still has the same cute girlfriend. Sam Raimi knows I appreciate a little consistency. Give me characters over glow-in-the-dark any day.

Spider-man 3: B
Batman Forever: C+