Indiana Jones And the Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull vs The Mexican

One of the coolest aspects of the Indiana Jones series has always been the authentic globetrotting. I’m sure there’s a great deal of dressing up fake locations, filming on sets, and pretending with miniatures on each of the previous three movies. But didn’t you believe most of it? Didn’t you believe you were seeing Germany or Egypt or wherever, instead of Skywalker Ranch or a Hollywood backlot, or Green Screen, Ohio? Me too. But in Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, nothing—no office, or jungle or city street—looks like anything other than a studio backlot. Don’t Spielberg and Lucas have all the money? Gas ain’t that high yet, guys.

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (I hate the way IJATKOFCS looks, so I guess I’ll just keep typing the whole damn thing), begins with Dr. Jones being kidnapped by Irina Spalko (Cate Blanchett) and her team of Russian soldiers. Spalko knows that Dr. Jones witnessed an alien autopsy years ago, and that he knows the location of a crate containing the remains. She brings him to a warehouse at Area 51, and demands he produce the alien corpse. Why? Um. Because it’s cool? The alien is magnetized, so Dr. Jones borrows gunpowder, tosses it in the air, and follows the black dust as it winds through the warehouse to the crate. It’s a cool moment, but one that will haunt you again and again throughout Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Blah, as you notice that the alien is alternately magnetized and not. Sometimes, it’s so magnetized it gathers all the metal in the surrounding area, sometimes it takes only a thin cloth or a hand to stifle its powers completely.

Meanwhile, Dr. Jones has met up with Mutt (Shia LeBouf), a greaser obviously modeling himself after Marlon Brando in The Wild One, and coming, well, close enough, considering George Lucas produced this and well all know who he thinks makes a good Darth Vader. If you have not predicted Mutt’s connection to Dr. Jones before entering the theater, then you might want to have yourself screened for learning disabilities. Maybe look into getting yourself a driver and a nutritionist while you’re at it. Need help tying your shoes?

And Karen Allen is back, because we’ve all been clamoring for that. Hey, I mean it as no slight against Karen Allen. It’s just that if they’re going for fresh and new, with the timeline advancing twenty years and adding Cate Blanchett to the mix, then to trot out someone from the first film who hasn’t been in a movie at all in over a decade should be a big deal, right? And they should give her more to do than smirk and drive, right? They don’t, so she just smirks and drives and looks weird in a costume a size and a half too big. Blanchett, always interesting, cuts an imposing figure, in her severe haircut and black boots, but she does little damage. She catches the good guys, they get away, she chases them, catches them, lets them get away again and again. Aside from Dr. Jones himself, there was nothing drawing me more to Indiana Jones and the Kingdom Blah Blah Blah than Cate Blanchett, so to see her stuck with Moose and Squirrel diagologue, a come-and-go accent, and no backstory whatsoever was a bit of a buzzkill. You know what might have helped? A patch over one eye. That’s a cool look for a villain, don’t you think?

There are some funny moments, like when Dr. Jones is sinking in the fakest quicksand ever (like something off of Gilligan’s Island), and Mutt tosses him a snake to pull himself to safety; and a scare or two in a dark search through mazes leading to a mummy’s tomb. And it’s not like the action’s stiff; a military vehicle chase through the jungle contains not only a sword fight, but also machine guns, daring leaps and swinging through the trees with monkeys. But there’s just not enough here to recommend. It’s like the Star Wars prequels, where no one ever seems truly in danger, and no one ever gets dirty. Dr. Jones nearly loses his hat to an army of monstrous fire ants, and doesn’t even give it a shake or look inside before he puts it back on. Why should he? Harrison Ford knows those ants were never there in the first place. It’s a shame he doesn’t care whether I believe it or not.

It’s hard to know what to recommend as a backup to a disappointing movie starring a beloved character. What did you watch after the Timothy Dalton James Bond movies? What did you watch after Hannibal?

Let’s take it slow, okay? Let’s just kick back with a pizza, some beers, and The Mexican. If you wanna go outside about half way through and just trash George Lucas over the beers, that’s fine by me.

The Mexican is good, but not great, and really, honestly, it’s okay, but not good. And after a movie that’s disappointed you, that’ll do. Brad Pitt and Julia Roberts have zero chemistry together, but it’s not much of a problem in The Mexican since a. they’re barely on screen together for the duration of the movie and b. Roberts and Pitt are such huge stars, they need only have chemistry with themselves. Think about it: Brad Pitt turns down so many movies, by the time he picks one, he’s satisfied about something, so we can just watch and assume that if it’s not his costar, then maybe it’s his shirt or his haircut or his trailer. He’s having chemistry with something, and good for him. Pitt’s portion of the movie is a total Indiana Jones rip-off. He’s sent to Mexico by the mob to retrieve a legendary gun. Along the way he battles bad guys with guns, rabid dogs, and his own clumsy Spanglish. It’s funny, in a way, but also awkwardly violent. This is the stuff you might fast-forward to make more time for beer.

The stuff to watch is back in the States. Julia Roberts meets up with a hitman played by James Gandolfini, and who would have guessed: despite this being kind of a weak movie overall, about a third of it finds Roberts in one of her funniest, lightest, smartest pairings yet. It’s complete fluff, but Roberts and Gandolfini hit the road, and for a handful of moments, The Mexican zings around like road movies are supposed to. It’s funny, suspenseful, and as familiar as can be, while simultaneously being just a touch of something I felt I’d never seen before. Kind like I was hoping from Indiana Jones and the Blah Blah Blah, etc. The Mexican was directed by Gore Verbinski, who has made a nice living cribbing from the Indiana Jones movies for his Pirates of the Caribbean series. In my opinion, that series snuffed out way before Indiana Jones, but that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t like Verbinski and Speilberg to each take a look at their previous works before they make another sequel. I wouldn’t mind meeting them both outside to talk over those beers.

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull: C

The Mexican: B-