Star Trek vs Charlie's Angels

Roughly twenty minutes into Star Trek, we’ve seen the introduction of the film’s villain, the heroic downfall of the hero’s father, the formative childhood experiences of the main characters, and the gathering of the iconic crew that was the focus of the previous show and film series. Twenty minutes. That leaves about ninety minutes for Star Trek to just be awesome on its own. It respects the previous incarnations, but boldly goes (see what I did there?) about creating new mythology for the characters, all the while being the best science fiction film of the past few years.

Seriously, how much do you hate George Lucas right now?

In the opening moments of Star Trek, we learn that Captain Kirk’s father died heroically, saving his wife and baby Kirk from the Romulans, led by the tattoo-faced Nero (Eric Bana), who didn’t necessarily understand what he was doing, but was no doubt happy to add to the body count. Nero is traveling outside of his original timeline and dimension, looking for revenge on Spock (Leonard Nimoy, playing more than the cameo you’re probably expecting.) 

Later, we meet both Spock and Kirk as children, the former having Winona Ryder as a mother (looking lovely but speaking little), and the latter a car-stealing troublemaker. We learn that Spock was emotionless because he chose to be stoic, not because he was a Vulcan, and we learn, of course, that Kirk was rebellious because he has daddy issues. And guess what? That’s it. Those scenes are over in a heartbeat. The entirety of The Phantom Menace in just a couple scenes. Brilliant.

Spock and Kirk first meet at the academy over a dispute that Kirk cheated to defeat a program designed by Spock. Of course they end up on the Enterprise while it’s under attack, and the current Captain, Pike (Bruce Greenwood, in the dictionary under “dependable”), is taken hostage. You probably could have guessed that one of the younger characters steps up to lead the others. You probably didn’t guess that it would be Spock.

It’s not the same Star Trek. It’s just not, and you have to get used to it. Because of time-jumping I won’t get into here, we’re dealing with not necessarily events from the early lives of Spock, Kirk and the rest, but an alternate version of what could have happened. Well, it did happen, but the other stuff happened too. At the same time. Kind of. You guys watch Lost, right? J.J. Abrams created both properties, and as with Lost, he doesn’t mind one bit if you leave Star Trek with a list of questions and a desire to watch it over again and again. And as with Lost, the questions you have become such a part of the larger picture, that when one of the characters asks or answers one of your questions, you feel almost moved by the transaction. Or at least I do. It doesn’t hurt that Star Trek punctuates each of these moments (Spock gives Scotty a formula that Scotty was destined to discover, meaning now he doesn’t have to discover it at all), with its dynamic score. I’m prone to overstatement, I’m aware, but if I mention the score, I mean it.

The casting is excellent. Since I’m not a Star Trek purist, or even a Star Trek faithful, it’s not my place to say it’s better than the original cast, even though that’s pretty much what I think. The non-Spock and Kirk crew—Scotty, McCoy, Uhura, Chekov and Sulu—made a bigger impact on me than ever before, especially Chekov’s wide-eyed exhilaration at having saved lives, and Sulu kicking ass with a sword on top of the Romulan drill. And Uhura is finally given a little more character focus, showing ambition, intelligence, and in one of the film’s biggest surprises, lust for Spock.

The greatest concern for many is probably in the casting of Spock and (the eventual Captain) Kirk. Zachary Quinto is Spock, and is so good I’d consider watching the next season of Heroes, in case anything there is inspiring him as much. Chris Pine is Quinto’s equal; his Kirk is fearless, funny, rebellious and street-wise enough to lead the crew without ever dipping into that douche territory that so many of your more frattish actors fall into on a regular basis. I’m looking forward to the next Star Trek movie; this meeting of modern creative force and retro property is not an easy one to figure out, as the makers of Charlie’s Angels could tell you.

Charlie’s Angels wasn’t as beloved a pop artifact as Star Trek. It has no presiding mythology, no quotable dialogue, no debates about time continuums. It just had three hot chick cops and a voice on a speaker. The question surrounding the movie wasn’t “Would they do it justice?” it was “Who will they get?” And, for my money, with respect to the original cast, they got pretty much the best girls for the job. Drew Barrymore, Cameron Diaz and Lucy Liu are all athletic, funny, sexy, and look good standing side by side. Barrymore produced, which is just about perfect, and she hired McG, which is considerably less so.

It’s not that he doesn’t get it. Charlie’s Angels shouldn’t be treated with a heavy hand. The plot is slight (Barrymore’s bad guy boyfriend is…the bad guy, and he’s kidnapped Bosley, who is played by Bill Murray, who is perfect.), and it’s all just an excuse for the girls to be filmed fighting thugs in slow-mo. There are montages, a fun soundtrack, dozens of costume changes, ass-kicking and Chrispin Glover as a mute henchmen. But the tone is all over the place. Is Charlie’s Angels a spoof? A tribute? It’s never clear if the action scenes are supposed to be funny. It’s all obvious wire-work, and there’s an awful lot of emphasized posing during action scenes, which are edited to the point of seizure-induction. I’m all for movies with a wink, but Charlie’s Angels has a twitch. It’s only a few years old, but Charlie’s Angels already needs a reboot. I’m all for bringing the same three Angels back, but if McG wants another go, he’s gonna have to ease up on the style, and focus more on why anyone would want to watch Charlie’s Angels in the first place. Here’s hoping he watched Star Trek on opening day (and that he watched every episode of Lost before directing the new Terminator).

Star Trek: A

Charlie’s Angels: B-