Transformers 3 vs Transformers 2

Transformers 2 came out, got shitty reviews, made a lot of money, and had passionate defenders online. For a while, it had a perfect 10 on imdb. Around Oscar season, no joke, message boards were flooded with non-ironic “Transformers 2 rocked” posts. The logic was, the fanboys had spoken, and Transformers 2 wouldn’t have made money if it weren’t fantastic. I thought it was awful. I enjoyed the first one; it was exciting, quick-paced and had an underdog lead character in Shia Lebouf’s Sam, who was kind of a Michael J. Fox/Michael Cera/Peter Parker wiseacre everyman. The second added too much sitcom wackiness, and an over-long college subplot, complete with a tag in the credits, to make sure we knew Sam was back in class. It reduced Megan Fox’s tough girl to eye candy, and had confusing new characters, including two offensive* racially-stereotyped Transformers. Transformers 2 had an inconsequential plot, and ended with status quo. A sequel to Transformers 2 is just a sequel to the first Transformers.

*Offensive not for being racist, but for taking up so much screen-time being unfunny.

And now the third Transformers movie is out, and word is that it’s so much better than that terrible, campy Transformers 2. HOLD UP.

Where were all these people who thought it sucked during the whole “You’re just being a snob. If you hate Transformers 2, you hate fun.” days of Transformers 2?

The lowdown: Transformers 3 is nearly identical to Transformers 2, except in the ways it’s maybe even worse. Instead of college, Sam is now in a low-level corporate job, working for John Malkovich (in terrible gag teeth, barking cringe-inducing dialogue like “WTF?” that seems cobbled together from a million separate takes.). Sam works with a character played by Ken Jeong, whose performance is incomprehensible both in its jumbled presentation (he’s filmed just like Malkovich, but adds a nutty “character voice”) as well as its awkward requirements to advance the plot. He has information Sam needs but wouldn’t have gotten if they didn’t coincidentally work together. And now, instead of being quick-witted, intelligent and sheepish, Sam is cocky, rude and overconfident, shouting down the other characters and strutting around like Bruce Willis. Oh, Shia, no. No, buddy. Not yet. Not for a long, long time. Maybe never. Some of us never get to be Bruce Willis.

And for all the talk of Megan Fox’s abilities, or lack thereof, she’s been replaced by Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, who is devoid of anything that can be portrayed outside of a magazine page that unfolds to reveal a perfume sample. Director Michael Bay includes several shots of Rosie staring upwards, her mouth hanging open, oblivious to the action around her. I know how she feels.

The human villain this time is Patrick Dempsey (and his agent), for all of you who have been pining for the badass, epic showdown between Shia LaBeouf and...Patrick Dempsey. Anyone? Frances McDormand is on hand as well, wasting whatever cred she earns by being in indie films and wearing jeans on awards shows.

But what about the robots? The villains are the same: sooty-chromed, blurry, indistinguishable from each other. Think of your favorite villains. The Joker? Darth Maul? Hannibal Lecter? You can picture them, right? The Transformer villains are just dirty metal, blending into the buildings behind them. Why not some color for the villains? The good guys—the ones from your childhood—all represent. They’re colorful, heroic and powerful. Bumblebee is still Sam’s yellow buddy. Optimus Prime can still transform into a truck. But, hilariously, it’s a truck that has its cargo trailer attached by a regular hitch, so it can just be detached like a real truck, and not, you know, like it’s a metamorphic, organic, biological part of his being. Oh, and spoiler: Optimus Prime shoots someone in the back of the head, execution-style. Bring the kids.

Transformers 2: D+

Transformers 3: D+