It's Weird That They Didn't Order Dessert.

I was taking the train to Chicago. I bought some magazines. Both of those things are true. Also true: one of the magazines was the June/July 2011 Esquire, with “HOW TO BE A MAN” and “NEW RULES FOR LIVING” and “EVERYBODY WANTS BRADLEY COOPER RIGHT NOW” on the cover.

The last statement is false, or at least contains a specific reading of the definition of “everybody”. The article is by someone called Lisa Taddeo.

Taddeo opens her article with the following paraphrased anecdote: Two guys in their early twenties are sharing dinner in a Szechuan restaurant. According to Taddeo, they have five plates of food and a bottle of good wine. She describes them: “One man is curly-headed, wearing plaid flannel, and might invent a social network. The other is overweight in a panama hat with the long singular brow of a samurai.”

You see where I’m going with this already, right? You guys always get me. They’re pretend. Taddeo made them up. Did she see two guys in a restaurant? Maybe. The hipster clothes and “good” wine? Losing me. How close to them did she sit? The bigger guy can’t stop eating something crispy and spicy in his meal. He says, “Fuck. Americans have no clue, dude. Lay’s potato chips—you can’t have just one? This is the shit you can’t stop eating.” Quick, find a guy in his twenties. Ask him for the Lay’s potato chip slogan.

Taddeo continues to eavesdrop on their conversation. One of them says the documentary Inside Job was a “mindfuck”, prompting the other to say, “You took the words right out of my mouth.” You’ve never said that, I’ve never said that. We aren’t in commercials or old sitcoms, so why would we? Why would we talk like that? Why would anyone talk the way no one talks, ever? But these two guys, stuck in the beer commercial Taddeo imagines them living, talk that way. One of them also saw Limitless. Take it away, Taddeo: “DeNiro,” says the boy, “was fucktastic.”

That never happened. It never fucking happened. No one said “fucktastic”. And about DeNiro? Someone in his twenties said that Robert DeNiro was any kind of “tastic”, let alone “fucktastic” in anything since Casino? Never happened. The main reason it never happened? No one has ever said “fucktastic” in conversation. It’s a construct of this magazine article. She saw it on a message board somewhere, like Ain’t It Cool News, or imdb. She didn’t hear it at the next table over a bottle of “good wine.” There’s more. The guys—I’m sorry, boys—go on to debate whether Bradley Cooper has “staying power.”

The fat guy says, “I don’t know man. But I bet he gets seriously laid.”

No they fucking didn’t. If you’re a hipster guy (and wearing flannel on a bra-date to a nice restaurant certainly qualifies you as hipster), and the subject of Bradley Cooper comes up, you’ve no doubt seen him in The Hangover and The A-Team. Right there, you consider he’s made it. Staying power? He’s just like you, he’s going to be young, always. You think DeNiro is…fantastic? Is that what “fucktastic” supposedly means? You think DeNiro is fantastic in Limitless, then the standard is loose. If he saw Limitless in the first place, in a theater, he’s already cast his vote. But sure, they debated it, if you say so, Taddeo.

Let’s say it’s all true: the guys, the expensive dinner, the conversation, “fucktastic”. It all happened, and Lisa Taddeo just observed and reported. That’s her job, after all. But she included it in the article about Bradley Cooper. She showed it to him, and it was published, along with professional photographs and deep questions about his career and life in the spotlight. Oh hey, congratulations on the career. Yesterday I heard two douchebags questioning how long it’s going to last. How was your flight?

So even if the story is true (it’s not), it’s fucking rude (it’s rude regardless). If those bros were bro-speaking over some Szechuan, and I guess ultimately I’m not saying they weren’t, then fine. Tell the story. But in a story that’s not about bros with bad taste in movies (Limitless is awful), why even include it? If the point of the story is Bradley Cooper, and you want to take a moment to speculate about his staying power in the industry, then bro up and ask it yourself. But before you do, think about that cover, with “HOW TO BE A MAN” in giant letters. Recalling (or making up) those guys in the restaurant doesn’t demonstrate to me how to be a man. It shows me how to be a guy, or a bro, or a sitcom puppet. Don’t we have enough of that already? Fist bump if you feel me.

I rolled my eyes and tossed the magazine aside. Across the aisle were two girls.  One was in a sock cap and large-framed glasses, her over-sized accessories belying her model-thin physique. You can see her writing a YA novel someday. Her friend, rounder, louder, with a flower in her hair, was in last year’s American Apparel Le Sac Dress. If their life is a movie, she’s the sidekick, the one who says, “Honest to blog” or “Girl, you need to get laid”. They’re laughing and ripping on someone in a magazine. It’s Emma Stone. Glasses asks, “Did you see Easy A?” Sac Dress says, “Loved it. Patricia Clarkson in that was the shizznit! She brought epic lols!”

“But what about Emma Stone? Staying power?”

“It’s hard to say. One thing’s for sure: girlfriend is getting serious cock.”

I turned away from them, and dipped back into my can of Pringles. Once I pop, I can’t stop. You know how it is.

Comments

[qtip]

Lisa Taddeo is the fuckzinit. She pops and never stops!! Boyz in the hood are alwayz hard!! Biznitches!!